Elinor's Blog Cabin.

This movie is suuuuuuuuper dumb and rad.

2013 Film Rankings With A Very Limited Scope

If a movie writer does not write a year-end list, is she still a movie writer? I don’t want to take that chance!

As a lowly freelancer at an alt-weekly in a mid-sized city, I take what I can get. I see some really great movies and even more terrible ones. So rather than a best-of list, I’ve ranked the stuff I’ve written about this year from best to worst. 

Note: Wow. There was a lot more bad than good this year.

  1. Jurassic Park 3D 
  2. 20 Feet From Stardom
  3. The To-Do List
  4. Beautiful Creatures
  5. Tlatelolco Summer of 68
  6. Love Is All You Need
  7. The British Arrow Awards reel
  8. Quartet
  9. About Time
  10. The Hangover 3
  11. The Mortal Instruments
  12. Arthur Newman
  13. Safe Haven
  14. The Book Thief
  15. Runner Runner
  16. The Canyons
  17. Now You See Me
  18. R.I.P.D. 

#15 - #18 basically a tie but it was important to me that RIPD was last.

Okay, off to write a lot of pitches. I can’t have another year like this. 

You will want to resist this movie. Please don’t. Watch it. It’s so, so wonderful.

(And now on netflix instant!)

An innocent query here on tumblr about The Mortal Instruments led to several hours wasted reading about fanfic dramas. (Thanks a lot, labratintraining!) I scraped together some of the deets and put them on Blogtown. Enjoy! Or, maybe don’t. It’s some seriously nerdy stuff.

I’ve been on a real not-winning streak with movies lately.

I had mixed feelings about many aspects of this movie, but by the end, I was sold.

Do not see it with your parents.

My review for the Portland Mercury.

My editor wouldn’t let me use all caps. And I forgot to mention the GIANT BUBBLES. Aside from those two serious shortcomings, it’s gorgeous piece of writing.

I reviewed Arthur Newman for the Portland Mercury

Me to Colln Firth:

Come on, man!You’re Mr. Darcy! You’re Mark Darcy! You’re the motherfucking KING! Why are you doing this? Stop trying to be from Florida. That’s gross. And you’re bad at it.

Read the whole thing here.

Things That I Wonder About Jurassic Park That I Could Not Fit In My Review

A follow-up to my review of the 3D rerelease. I have a lot of feelings.

  • Mosquitoes are really small and it just seems really insane to me that the miners could find some from the right time. A tiny mosquito buried deep underground that, oh hey, cool, ate the kind of dinosaur you want? No.
  • When the lawyer runs to the bathroom, he goes into one stall. Then when that crap shack gets knocked over, only his toilet is standing? Why didn’t he get knocked over too? When does a building just like melt around a person? I’m glad this happened because it’s cool when the t-rex eats him, but come on.
  • There is a huge storm and the first guests are taking the tour and everybody but Samuel L Jackson, the guy with the shorts, and the Scottish grandpa leave? They want the children to be eaten, don’t they?
  • WHY DO ALAN AND TIM NOT JUST GO TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING TREE WHEN THE CAR IS DRIVING DOWN IT? “OH LET’S JUST STAY UNDER IT AND HOPE WE DON’T DIE.” IDIOTS!
  • San Jose, Costa Rica is not on the coast. It’s a capital city of a fairly prosperous country. There are lots of little towns on the coast. Why bother saying it was San Jose when it so clearly was not? Just say Costa Rica. That would have been fine.
  • Where do they keep the baby dinosaurs? We see them hatching, and then as big guys. Aren’t there inbetweeners? Where are they? How do they learn how to do dinosaur stuff if they are born in a lab and not with a parent?
  • WHY EVEN BREED RAPTORS AND THE POISON-SPIT ONE AND T-REXES?  A park of harmless veggiesauruses would still have been pretty impressive, and much less dangerous.
  • When they try to feed the goat to the t-rex, it comes up in a cage that appears to be at ground level, same as the jeeps. But then after the t-rex goes nuts and knocks the car around, suddenly there’s a huge dropoff there? What the hell? This is something that has been bothering me for 20 years.
  • What was wrong with the triceratops? I thought Laura Dern was going to figure it out because she is an ancient plant expert. Not so tenacious after all, Statler!
  • How fucking big is that island?
  • How did Lex figure out which of the grey boxes in the old computer was the right one? Being a hacker could not have made her know that. They all looked the same.
  • God, when Tim and Lex and Alan and Ellie are escaping those raptors through the ceiling - seriously, guys? I am not a dinosaur expert and I can see that being just a super shitty, lazy plan.
  • Right after that, when they are all swinging on the bones - that is my happy place. I could watch an entire movie of just that scene.
  • What am I even talking about? Jurassic Park is so good. I should not be trying to find faults with it.
Happy Valentine’s Day!

I reviewed TWO romance movies this week.

Safe Haven!

Beautiful Creatures!

I am a love expert.