PADUCAH, KY—Glancing worriedly from his plate to his television, local man Eric Timmer expressed concern Thursday that between eating his ham sandwich and viewing an episode of The Walking Dead, he was critically overextending himself.
I’m going to a wedding at a yacht club next month so I bought this dress and these shoes. I’m gonna make a guy with a yacht fall in love with me. If you want to hang out with me, do it soon, because I’ll probably be on my way to St. Kitts in a few weeks.
SANTA CLARITA, CA—After turning 29 last week, local single woman Denise Palermo reportedly took the opportunity Tuesday to reflect on her current lack of long-term relationship prospects and slash several more items from the continually shrinking list of qualities she desires in a romantic partner…
I haven’t gotten a bad cold thing in like two years and I bragged about it so of course last week night I got sick and it’s fucking terrible. I am tempted to record this cough so you guys can hear how gross it is.